A brush with an old sage:

Waco's Big Debate

by Hal Swift

There's a pretty good-sized middle-of-the-week crowd at Shorty's Place, and the temperature inside is almost as hot as it is outside.  Shorty pounds on the bar with his wooden bung-starter and hollers, "Okay, folks!  That's enough arguin' about politics!  I want y'all to calm down now, and find somethin' else to talk about!"

A 6-foot-8, 310 pound cowboy named Moose allows as how he can talk about anything he wants to.  Shorty says, "Go ahead.  But if y'keep on arguin' politics, I'll have ol' Waco here, run your caboose right out into the parkin' lot."

Moose looks a little skeptical at this, but at least a dozen of the regulars at Shorty's chime in with stories about how they've seen ol' Waco conduct impressive behavioral modification classes on men that'd make Moose look like that famous 98-pound weaklin' that ever'body kicks sand in 'is face down at the beach.

Waco stands up and walks over to the bar to get a refill of his mug of sasparilla, and in doing so, has to walk past Moose.  Moose looks up at Waco's scarred face, broad shoulders, and gnarly, rawhide hands, and nods 'is head.  "Okay," he says, "I reckon I get kinda carried away sometimes when it comes to politics."

Sioux says, "No problem, Moose.  Uncle Waco got carried away one time when it came to politics.  Hey, everybody!  Did Uncle Waco ever tell you about the time he ran for president?"

Shorty says, "Now, Sioux, this better not start another argument."  He turns to Waco and says,  "How come you never told us about this?  Heck, you'd of got a lotta votes from the folks who hang out in here."

Waco says, "Awwww, Sioux.  Now you've gone and done it.  I'm embarrassed about that whole messy wreck."

"You don't need to be," says Sioux.  "There's a lot of people who'd have done exactly what you did."

John, the newspaper man says, "Now, both of you... you've got everybody interested in this.  Why don't you just do the right thing, and go ahead and tell us what happened."

Dawn, the local post office letter lady--who takes Mailman Dan's place when he goes fishin'--says, "Okay, but before they do that, lets get enough sasparilla out here so we don't have t'be runnin' to the bar while Waco's talking." 

Which sounds like a good idea, so that's what everybody does.  When they all get back to their tables, Sioux opens it up.

"Well, it was a few years ago--1980, I believe it was, that Uncle Waco allowed himself to be talked into running for President of the United States."

This brings comments from all around the room.  Dave P. Fisher, the famous cowboy poet and story-teller says, "I am impressed, Waco.  I am truly impressed."

Waco says, "Well, I was impressed that anybody'd think I was up to bein' President of the United States.  And, like a starry-eyed schoolboy, I let 'em talk me into bein' their candidate."

Shorty says, "I can't imagine you bein' a Democrat--you must've been a Republican."

Sioux says, "No, it was a grass roots campaign.  A lot of farmers and ranchers came on board when they heard Waco was running."

Anson McBean. Sheriff Freddie Marks' deputy raises his hand and says.  "So, Waco... were you elected?"

Some of the folks start to giggle and snicker at this, but one look from Sioux and they give it up.  Sioux is noted for her kind-hearted attitude toward others, but she's also noted for havin' a temper, much like her Uncle Waco's.  Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of that, just for making fun of simple-hearted Deputy McBean, so that ends the giggles and snickers right now.

Waco says, "No, Anson. I didn't last long enough to finish my first debate."

Charley Walker says, "I don't imagine the media had much of an interest in a cowboy candidate for president that year."

John, the newspaper man says, "Au contrare, Charley.  At least, they took an interest in a movie cowboy that year."

Furrowed brows around the room, as customers try to recall just who it is John's talking about.  Letter Lady, Dawn, says, "Oh!  Right!  That's when Ronald Reagan was elected president."

Then everyone else in Shorty's Place pretends that they remember that fact, as well.

Waco shakes 'is head.  "Well, Charley's right y'know.  There wasn't 'that much' interest in me, or why I was runnin'.  However, one TV network gets together a debate between me and another unknown candidate--it's that network that runs stories even they don't believe.  I think they had me and this other ol' boy on, just for laughs."

Vern and Smitty are setin' there, more or less just listenin', and Smitty says, "I kind of enjoy watchin' that network's programs."

And ol' Vern says, "Yeah, me too.  Except when they get on them Hollywood folks.  I tend t'doze off when they're doin' stories about them."

Waco says, "Well, there ain't nobody dozin' off during this debate.  There's this college girl interviewin' us, and she don't even know who we are.  She asks me what I'd describe as a perfect marriage.  I don't see what that has to do with anything, but I says I figure a perfect marriage is between a woman and a man."

Dave P. Fisher says, "That's tellin' her, Wake!"

Waco says, "Then she wants t'know what I think about taxes.  I says I think the gummint oughta quit wastin' 'em on boondoggles, and hornswoggles, and she has no idea what I mean by that."

Sioux says, "Tell the folks what she asked you about that your answer got her so upset."

Waco grins.  "Oh yeah, she says what about our country's schools?  So I says if more reporters'd go t'school, they wouldn't turn out t'be such fools and idiots."

A groan runs around the room and Shorty says, "Atta boy!"

Sioux laughs and says, "The reporter completely loses her cool at that, and starts callin' Uncle Waco names.  Now, one of the things that catches your eye about this gal right off, is the huge amount of hair she has stacked up on top of 'er head.  If it was blue, she'd look like that gal with the blue hair and scratchy voice on the TV cartoon program. 

"When Waco finally can get a word in edgewise, he squints 'is good eye like he does, and says to her, "At least I ain't wearin' a wig."

"Now this really sets 'er off.  She yells, "All this hair belongs to me!  I'm not wearing a wig! " 

"Maybe so," says Uncle Waco, "but my opponent is.  He's as bald as a turkey egg, and wears a wig t'cover it up.  I gotta tell you, it makes me wonder what else there is he's tryin' to cover up?"

Sioux says, "And this is when the ol' boy makes a big mistake.  He figures he's gotta do somethin', so he takes a swing at Uncle Waco."

Dave P. Fisher says, "Right there on TV?  In front of the whole United States?"

Waco says, "Aww, I doubt if there's more'n a dozen people watchin' the thing.  And most of them are in the control room, tryin' to figure out what's goin' on in the studio."

Charley says, "What'd you do then, Wake?"

Waco hangs 'is head, and looks kinda sheepish.

Sioux says, "Go on, Unk, tell 'em."

Waco says, "Well, I one-punches 'im... all the way off of the platform.  The girl reporter is screamin', and cryin', and wringin' her hands, and doesn't know what to do.  Then this sissy-lookin' announcer fella grabs the microphone, and starts doin' that fast talkin' thing some of 'em do.

"Next thing y'know, the studio lights go out, and a couple security guards escort me out into the hall, laughin' like a couple of fools.  One of 'em shakes my hand and says, "By golly, you got my vote, Waco!"  And the other officer says, "Me, too, ol' buddy.  It's about time we get us a real man in the president's office!"

Ever'body in Shorty's Place is standin' now, and clappin' their hands.

Sioux sets down at the pianna and starts playin' "Happy Days are Here Again," then quietens it down while she says, "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how my Uncle Waco almost was elected President of the United States of America!" 

When the song ends, there's more applause, and Shorty says, "I'm just curious but, where did the ol' boy go you were debatin' there?"

Waco says, "I'm not sure, but I think he's gone back to flippin' hamburgers in New York City."

Everybody laughs at that, and Charley says, "Only in America, m'friends.  Only in America."

•••

For more about the song, "There's No Business Like Show Business,"

and the musical, "Annie Get Your Gun," go to the below link.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annie_Get_Your_Gun_%28musical%29

For more about TV Westerns, check the Wikipedia link below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Television_Westerns

* Poultney Bigelow, Journalist and author, was a friend of Mark Twain.

Twain reportedly preferred the name "Lake Bigelow," over "Lake Tahoe."

http://www.ulster.net/~rdragon/pbinv.htm

•••

(Ed. Note:  For a closer look at Hal Swift's cowboy poetry, go to http://www.cowboypoetry.com/halswift.htm )

A Brush With an Old Sage

Hal Swift Poetry

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